Sis You know that particular feeling—the one wey dey catch you around 9pm on a Friday night. You’re lying in bed, scrolling through Instagram, watching other couples do the “challenge accepted” nonsense, and you sneak a peek at your WhatsApp. That voice note you sent to him at 4pm? The one where you poured out your entire heart about your stressful day? It’s still showing “Delivered.” Not “Read.” Just “Delivered.”
You start to do the mental gymnastics. Maybe his network is bad. Maybe he’s just tired from work. Ah, na only me get this type of boyfriend wey no dey call?
Then he replies at 10pm with a dry “Cool, babe” or “Sorry bout that,” and instead of being angry, you actually feel grateful that he finally responded. You thank him.
If this sounds familiar, I need you to pause and read this very carefully. You are not just being “understanding.” You are actively teaching that man to disrespect you.
I’m not here to sugarcoat anything. We Nigerians love to say, “Women must wak” (women must endure), especially when it comes to love. We glorify the struggle. “Ah, he will change.” “Na the distance dey cause am.” But let me tell you the hard truth: If you keep doing these 10 things for a man in a long-distance relationship, he won’t just take you for granted—he will wake up one morning and lose total, complete respect for you. And when a man loses respect for you? The relationship is dead, even if he’s still texting you “Good morning.”
Here is the wake-up call you didn’t ask for but desperately need.
1. Stop sending him money when he’s “short.”
Babe, abeg. Let me hold your hand when I say this. You are not his ATM. I know you’re a “Mrs. Fix It.” You see him stress about work or fuel prices (because even our dollar is doing maga), and your heart softens. You start thinking, Let me just send him 20k to sort his transport. He will pay me back.
Chai! The moment you send that money, something shifts in his brain. Instead of seeing a goddess, he sees a safety net. He will never hustle as hard for you because you are already hustling for him. In a long-distance situation, the man who respects you will starve before he asks his woman for money. He will call his boys, his uncle, even borrow from his mum—but not you. Because you are the prize, not the bank.
If he asks for money, simply reply: “Babe, I can’t right now. I know you’re a man, you’ll figure it out.” And move on. Watch him miraculously find the funds once he knows you’ve closed your wallet.
2. Stop adjusting your entire schedule to wait for his call.
You know this one. He said he’d call at 8pm. It’s now 10pm. You’ve refused to go to the kitchen to warm your food. You’ve turned down your friend who asked you to go out for a quick drink at the lounge. You are sitting there in the dark, one earphone in, waiting for the phone to ring like a little puppy.
Men have a sixth sense for this. He knows you are waiting. He knows you have nothing better going on. And subconsciously, he loses a little bit of respect every single time you’re available at his beck and call.
You are a Nigerian woman. You have hustle. You have friends. You have a life! The audacity. If he misses your call because you were at the gym or having a girls’ night out, that is good for the relationship. It makes him think, Who is she with? Why isn’t she rushing to pick up? That anxiety is good for him. Let him feel it.
3. Stop over-texting him your entire day without him asking.
“Good morning babe. I just woke up. I brushed my teeth. I’m having pap and akara for breakfast. I saw a funny dog on the way to work. My boss was annoying me. My colleague wore the same dress as me, can you imagine? I had Eba and Egusi for lunch… what are you eating?”
Meanwhile, his reply: “K.”
Omo. The disrespect in that single letter “K” is astronomical. You are giving him free access to your emotional life without him lifting a finger. Men fall in love with what they chase, not what they already have on a silver platter.
If he only gives you three words, you give him three words back. Don’t be dry, but don’t be a novelist. Let him wonder what you’re doing. Let him ask you the questions. If he doesn’t ask, he doesn’t care.
4. Stop doing his “Admin work.”
This one is specific to the “Japa” era (people relocating). Maybe he’s trying to travel to Canada or the UK. Or maybe he just has a big project at work. Suddenly, you are his personal assistant. You are researching flight prices, reminding him about his visa appointment, drafting his CV, or even scheduling his reminders.
My sister, you are supposed to be his lover, not his Secretary-General of the United Nations.
When you become functional, he stops seeing you as romantic. He starts seeing you as a tool. And tools don’t get respected; they get used. You’re not his mother. If he forgets his meeting, let him face the consequences. That is how he grows. Your job is to look beautiful, keep your home peaceful (even from a distance), and be his safe space—not his project manager.
5. Stop being “too understanding” when he cancels last minute.
“Ah, it’s okay, babe. I totally understand. The meeting is more important.”
Say this enough times, and you are basically telling him, My time doesn’t matter. My feelings are secondary.
Let me tell you the secret of the “Unbothered Queen.” The next time he cancels, do not shout. Do not cry. Do not send a 5-minute voice note. Just reply calmly: “Ehen, that’s disappointing. But no wahala—I’ll make other plans.”
That silence and your ability to move on instantly will terrify him more than a scream. It shows you have boundaries. A man who cancels and sees you living your best life will think twice before pulling that nonsense again. He will respect your time.
6. Stop initiating the “Where is this going?” conversation every week.
I know you want the ring. I know your “biological clock” is ticking, and your aunties are asking questions. But if you are bringing up the “Are we getting married?” topic every single time you video call, you are pushing him further away.
Men are hunters. They like to win the prize. If you are begging for commitment, you are telling him you have no other options (even if he is the only option for you right now). Have the conversation once. Lay down your expectations like a queen. Then shut up about it.
Watch his actions. If he hasn’t stepped up in six months, it’s not that he “isn’t ready”; it’s that he doesn’t respect you enough to lock you down. Walk away. The fear of losing you is what makes a man commit.
7. Stop sending him “just because” gifts when he hasn’t given you anything.
You see that nice watch on Instagram? You buy it and ship it to him. “Just because I love you, babe!”
Meanwhile, he hasn’t sent you transport fare in months. He hasn’t sent you a care package. He hasn’t even bought you data to call him.
You are teaching him to receive without earning. If you are always the giver, the energy in the relationship is completely off. A relationship is a mirror. If he is sitting back relaxing while you are spending your hard-earned Naira to “spoil” him from a distance, he will start to think he is superior to you. And that kills respect.
Match his energy. If he gives you something, give back. If he doesn’t, save your money and buy yourself a nice wig. You deserve it.
8. Stop sharing your insecurities (the “Are you talking to other girls?” chat).
I know the distance makes you anxious. I know the “Lagos girls” or the “UK girls” are “fine” and you see them in his comment section. But babe, if you keep asking, “Is there another girl?” or “Do you still find me attractive?” you are projecting low self-worth.
He will eventually start to think, Hmm, maybe she is right. Maybe she is not the prize. Maybe I CAN do better.
You don’t need to tell him you are insecure. You need to let him wonder. You need to have such a busy, exciting life that he is the one asking, “Are you sure you’re still mine?” Keep your doubts for your girls, your journal, or your therapist. Show him only your confidence.
9. Stop being his therapist.
He calls you to complain about work. His boss is wicked. His colleague is useless. He is tired of Nigeria. He wants to leave. He’s stressed.
As a woman, your instinct is to jump into “solution mode.” You start giving him advice: “Babe, why don’t you do this? Why don’t you print your CV? Have you prayed about it?”
Stop it. Just stop.
When you become his emotional dumping ground, he feels better after talking to you, but you feel drained. Meanwhile, he didn’t even say thank you. Men respect the women they confide in, not the women who try to fix them.
Just say, “Ah, that sounds tough, my love. I know you’ll handle it like the man you are.” Then change the subject. Let him carry his own emotional weight. You are his girlfriend, not his Nanny or his spiritual mother.
10. Stop relocating to his city/country without a ring and a solid commitment.
This is the biggest one, especially with our “Japa” generation. He is in Canada, you are in Nigeria. He says, “Come, let’s build a life here.” And you start packing your bags, resigning from your job, and leaving your family behind.
If he has not given you a ring, or at the very least, a solid, undeniable timeline with concrete action, you are making a terrible mistake.
When you uproot your entire life for him, you are telling him that you have zero boundaries. You are telling him that his life is more important than yours. A man who respects you will say, “Wait, let me come and visit you first. Let me ensure your visa is sorted. Let me propose.” He will move mountains to make you comfortable.
But if you just pack your bags and go, he will lose respect for you because you didn’t even value yourself enough to demand a proper commitment. You’ll be in a new city, alone, and he will treat you like a guest, not a queen.
The Final Gist
Look, my sister. I know you love him. I know long-distance is hard. But love without respect is just a recipe for heartbreak. You are not a “hustler” in this relationship. You are not a provider. You are not a secretary or a therapist.
You are a woman. That means you are the prize.
As of right now, pick one thing from this list that you are guilty of, and decide to stop it this week. Watch how the energy shifts. Watch how he starts treating you differently. He will start calling more, sending money, and appreciating you. It’s not manipulation; it’s self-respect.
If you read this and you recognised yourself in more than three of these points, then you are dangerously close to the “Over-Giver” zone. And the Over-Giver always, always gets walked over.
Don’t learn this the hard way, sis. Start respecting yourself today, and he will have no choice but to follow. Naija women are too valuable to be taken for granted.
Abeg, who else needs to see this? Share it with your friend who is doing “woman must wak” for a man wey no dey value her. 🫶